FRIENDS, READERS, ENEMIES... WELCOME TO THE FOURTH MAJOR REDESIGN OF THE DAILY DIRT IN AS MANY YEARS! To start things off with a bit of a visual treat, yer old pal Jerky dug up a long lost gem from his comix-drawing days, chopped it up in Photoshop and re-configured it to fit here, in the pages of the brand-spanking-new Daily Dirt! Anyway, tomorrow we'll be back to our usual shenanigans - deflating the over-inflated, debunking the over-bunked, and otherwise sticking our dicks in the hornet's nest - but for today... ENJOY! - YOPJ

ON THESE DAYS! THANK YOU! THANK YOU VERY MUCH! JUNE 6, 2001: JERKY LeBOEUF DECLARED KING OF NEPAL! Here's how the story was reported in the Daily Dirt, exactly one year ago today! Well, folks, I didn't want it, nor was I expecting it, but I got the call last night, and believe it or not, yer old pal Jerky has just been crowned the new King of Nepal! That's right, you read right... as of midnight, central time, on Monday, June 4 of the year 2001, this Internet pornography peddler has got himself his very own kingdom in the Himilayas! The details of the process involved in this shocking turn of events are sketchy, at best, but if you'll bear with me, I'll try to make it as clear as possible. After all, I wouldn't want all those Nepalese people to revere me without being absolutely, one-hundred percent certain of my legitimacy! So here we go... Up until a week ago, Nepal was ruled by King Birendra -- the only Hindu king in the world -- a man beloved by his subjects for presiding over the constitutional monarchy of Nepal with grace, patience, and wit. His reign came to a sudden end, however, when his useless, fat-faced son -- the sullen "Party Boy Prince Dippy," as CNN has called him -- went bonkers, unloading a couple clips of ammo into King Birendra and seven other royal family members, including the Queen and his own brothers and sisters, before turning the gun on himself. In a shocking twist, as he lay in hospital, braindead, Prince Dippy was crowned King of Nepal in accordance with the laws of the land. Sparing the mountain nation the indignity of having a mass murderer as the head of its royal family, Prince Dippy graciously succumbed to his wounds later that same day. At this point, Gyanendra, brother of slain King Birendra, was crowned King just in time to preside over the funerals of over a half-dozen of his family members. This is when things start to get convoluted. Citing the fact that his hobbies would keep him from devoting the proper amount of time to his royal duties -- and cryptically pointing out that he is "not bulletproof" -- Gyanendra relinquished all claims to the crown. At this point, the crown's transition becomes almost untrackable, as it begins to jump from head to head like a bad idea at the White House. You're gonna have to trust me on this one... the list of former Kings is too long -- and the names too difficult to spell -- for the chain of ascendancy to be fully delineated within the constraints of time and space allowed me within the Daily Dirt. And so, when they ran out of Nepalese people upon which to bestow this greatest of honors, they resorted to throwing a dart at a map. It took three tries before they hit land, afterwhich they ordered up a phone book for the pierced area, opened it to a random page, and dialed a random number. My number was the fifth one they called, but seeing as I'm a hopeless, homebound loser these days, I was the first person to actually pick up the phone. And THAT, my friends, is how yer old pal Jerky became the King of Nepal! But don't worry... I won't forget all you tiny, puny little people that made this awesome possibility possible! *** **** *** On this day in 1884, ten inches of snow falls in New England. This was the "year without a summer," thanks to all the crap thrown into the atmosphere by the massive explosion of the island of Krakatoa, near Indonesia. Don't bother looking for it on a map... it blew up real good, and it ain't there no more!

THEY SAID IT! "No one here really cares about the historical aspects. Once a picture has been shot, people move on to others. We're like a factory. Its like making dolls. Once the latest doll is out we go onto the next one. if it transpires that the historical aspects are in question I don't think people would care that much." - Disney's Executive Director of International Publicity, Nina Heyn, does a spectacularly shitty job of "defending" the integrity of her employer's $80 million "historical" horse-racing epic, Hidalgo, which has been called by historians - and I quote - "a pack of lies from beginning to end." *** *** *** "It doesn't matter to me. Two, four, ten... as long as I'm doing God's will, it doesn't matter how many people I execute." - Muhammad Saad Al-Beshi is Saudi Arabia's top executioner, and judging by this very interesting interview, he apparently fancies himself to be quite the righteous bad-ass. He was talking about his daily death tally, by the way.

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Mechanic Mark... This Indian boy goes to his mother one day with a puzzled look on his face. "Say, mom, why is my bigger brother named Mighty Storm?" She told him, "Because he was conceived during a mighty storm." Then he asked, "Why is my sister named Cornflower?" She replied, "Well, your father and I were in a cornfield when we made her." "And why is my other sister called Moonchild?" The mother said, "We were watching the moon landing while she was conceived." Mother Indian paused and asked her son, "Tell me, Torn Rubber, why are you so curious?" *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Don Olsen for sending in today's second joke. A young man, a current welfare recipient, walked into the local welfare office, marched straight up to the counter and said, "Hi, I hate drawing welfare. I would really rather find a job." The man behind the counter replied, "Your timing is amazing. We just got a listing from a very wealthy man who wants a chauffeur/bodyguard for his nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around a big black Mercedes, and the suits, shirts, and ties are provided. Because of the long hours of this job, meals will also be provided and you will also be required to escort the young lady on her overseas holidays trips. The salary package is $200,000 a year." The guy said, "You're bullshitting me man!" The man behind the counter said, "Well, you started it!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Sixbros sent in today's worst joke. She married and had 13 children. Her husband died. She married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died. But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally died. Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed for her.He thanked The Lord for this very loving woman and said, "Lord, they're finally together." One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, "Do you think he means her first, second or third husband?" The friend replied, "I think he means her legs."

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Yo Jerks; I always thought of "Spike" as MY dogs name. Is this a canine channel? Could I get in on this Spike / TNN suit? When is OJ due to sue Orange Juice, BTW? Signed: ~Harē Actually, according to my sources in the ambulance-chasing community, Orenthal James Simpson is currently fending off 'loss of prestige' lawsuits launched by a number of litigators, including 70s pop sensation the Ojays, major league baseball's Toronto Bluejays, and the Orange Julius restaurant chain. *** **** *** Jerky, I don't understand why you have such a problem with a woman wanting to wear a veil for her driver's license photo. We've seen many instances where the government is forced to treat people differently because of religious reasons. In fact, I know someone who didn't even have to have his photo on his license because he produced some bullshit information showing that he was a priest of a druidic church and that he wasn't allowed to have his photo taken. And they let him get away with it! Why is this woman's case any different? Signed: J.G. So, according to your logic, because the legal system fucked up in regards to your druid friend's ridiculous bullshit demands, that means from now on they have to KEEP FUCKING UP, just to be fair. It's not like they're forcing her to give up a DNA sample! One silly person's superstitions should not trump logic and common sense. Plus, she's got options: Fucking WALK or TAKE THE BUS if you don't want your picture taken. *** **** *** Jerky, I live on an island in the Pacific where they have a plant they brew into a tea to get rid of unwanted pregnancies. Would you be interested in adding it to your range of herbal products? I am not sure how abundant it is but if you are interested I can make further enquiries. Signed: Finlay Abortion tea? Not really interested, dude. Maybe you should contact the Snapple people. Those greedy bastards are always looking for a new angle!

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: NO CONCERN OF OURS Care of: David A mouse looked through a crack in the wall to see the farmer and his wife opening a package; what food might it contain? He was aghast to discover that it was a mouse trap! Retreating to the farmyard, the mouse proclaimed the warning, "There is a mouse trap in the house, there is a mouse trap in the house!" The chicken clucked and scratched, raised her head and said, "Mr. Mouse, I can tell you this is a grave concern to you, but it is of no consequence to me; I cannot be bothered by it." The mouse turned to the pig and told him, "There is a mouse trap in the house!" "I am so very sorry Mr. Mouse," sympathized the pig, "but there is nothing I can think of to do about it. Surely someone else will step in to help." The mouse turned to the cow, who replied, "Mr. Mouse... a mouse trap? Get back to me when you see them bringing in a cow trap!" So the mouse returned to the house, head down and dejected, to face the farmer's mouse trap alone. That night, a snapping sound was heard throughout the house. The farmer's wife rushed to dispose of the mouse her husband's trap had surely caught. But in the darkness, she did not see that it was a venomous snake whose tail the trap had caught. The snake bit the farmer's wife. The farmer rushed her to the hospital. She returned home with a fever. Now everyone knows you treat a fever... with fresh chicken soup, so the farmer took his hatchet to the farmyard for the soup's main ingredient. His wife's sickness continued so that friends and neighbors came to sit with her around the clock. To feed them, the farmer butchered the pig. The farmer's wife did not get well, in fact, she died, and so many people came for her funeral the farmer had the cow slaughtered to provide meat for all of them to eat. So the next time you hear that someone is facing a problem and think that it does not concern you, remember that when the least of us is threatened, we are all at risk. - David [Hey, man... is that some kind of threat?! - Jerky]

Send all Jokes, Letters and other stuff to Jerky: feedback@dailydirt.com