SLAPPED TOGETHER EDITION Somehow, Maxim Magazine got the inside scoop on the bikini-waxing habits of a number of entertainment industry hotties. Gwyneth Paltrow, Sarah Jessica Parker, Tyra Banks, and Christy Turlington? They all favor the vaginal Mohawk look. Asia Argento and Kristy Swanson? They let things go and grow au naturel! Courtney Love and Tia Carrere? They shave their snatches bald, motherfucker! So now, the next time you're strangling your salami over any one of the aforementioned beauts, you'll know how to accurately imagine their privates! Thank you, Maxim Magazine! Yer old pal Jerky is extremely pleased to announce that the number one selling album of last week was How the West was Won, a live CD by none other than Led Fucking Zeppelin! The set sold roughly 120,000 units in its first week on sale - amazing numbers for a triple CD - beating out lots of people who, frankly, SUCK, and who should quit the music business and go flip burgers or become professional skate-boarders or something, as soon as humanly possible. Legendary Swedish-depressive cinema auteur Ingmar Bergman was honored for his work in preserving and restoring aging color films this week, in Stockholm. The ceremony was held by the International Federation of Film Archives, and was considered a great success. The entire evening was unusually upbeat for a Swedish celebration, with only two lonely, barely-noticed suicides interrupting the proceedings. In "way over their heads" news: Multi-millionaire "Whisky Bar" magnate Rande Gerber has asked actor and amateur designer Brad Pitt to come up with a concept for a hotel, which Gerber plans to build somewhere on the west coast within the next two years. Maybe they could just dig a hole in the ground and call it Pitt's Pit (BOOOO!)… In a surreptitious bid to deprive him of even a shred of "street cred," HBO has offered lily-white rap sensation M&M $2.25 million per episode to create his own television show. "Eminem proved he can act with 8 Mile and he's already huge in the music industry," explained one industry wag. "It makes sense for HBO to want him." … And, apparently feeling that he hasn't quite demolished any possibility of kick-starting his career yet, Sean Penn took out yet another full-page ad in the New York Times, to explain his much-criticized December trip to Iraq. "I experienced firsthand the repressive condition of public debate in our country, as it prepared for war," Penn writes, apparently oblivious to the fact that we've all pretty much moved on at this point. Adult contemporary "singing" legend Barry Manilow walked into a wall at his home last week, shattering all the cartilage in that famous, sharkfin-sized nose of his. When we first heard the news, we here at the Daily Dirt felt kind of sorry for Manilow. But when we heard that he was hard at work on a Rosemary Clooney tribute album - featuring Bette Midler - at the time, we realized Manilow was merely reaping the karmic whirlwind. Christian Slater and his wife, Ryan Haddon, are extremely upset over a number of tabloid stories which have repeated the erroneous claims that the couple met in a Malibu drying-out center whilst undergoing rehabilitation for their various addictions. "That's total bullshit," Haddon recently confided to one of yer old pal Jerky's imaginary friends. "Our coke dealer introduced us!" After reviewing the evidence against her, yer old pal Jerky has come to the conclusion that the two biggest mistakes Martha Stewart made in her Imclone stock dump were 1) being born without a penis, and 2) making donations to the wrong political party. I mean, seriously, just because I hate the woman and everything she stands for doesn't mean my bullshit detector doesn't work. And what the fuck was up with that Cybill Sheppard movie?! Who was behind the funding for THAT ludicrous turd?! Something really stinks here, folks, and I don't mean the decorative scented candles, either. KEEP WATCHING THIS SPACE FOR UPDATES! Folks, this is some funny fuckin' shit, right here.

ON THESE DAYS! June 7 On this day in the year 1965, Sony introduces the first video cassette recorder - the peer-to-peer file-swapping scandal of its day! - priced at a whopping $995. Sales are almost non-existant until the late 70's, when millions of North American men suddenly realize that this miraculous new device allows them to masturbate while watching complete strangers fuck, all in the comfort of their own living room! Technology… HUZZAH!!! On this day in 1982, President Ronald Reagan meets with Pope John Paul II and Queen Elizabeth, thereby creating the single greatest assassination Triple Crown potentiality ever. Fortunately, security was tight that day. Lenny was watchin' the door. On this day in 1955, Eisenhower becomes the first President ever to appear on color television. Chaos ensues! June 8 On this day in 1967, during the Six-Day War, Israeli fighter planes and torpedo boats attack the USS Liberty, killing thirty-four and wounding a hundred-and-seventy-one American soldiers in what Israel at the time called a "tragic mistake." Many researchers now consider the attack to have been a deliberate attempt to prevent the intelligence-gathering vessel from discovering Israel's plan to take Syria's Golan Heights, which they did the next day. Will somebody please remind yer old pal Jerky why it is, exactly, we're still bankrolling these fuckers? On this day in the year 1959, the Navy submarine U.S.S. Barbero fires a guided missile carrying 3,000 letters at the Naval Auxiliary Air Station in Mayport, Florida. "Before man reaches the moon," one official opined at the time, "mail will be delivered within hours from New York to California, to Britain, to India or Australia, by guided missiles." And so it was, and so it always shall be. I mean, seriously, can you imagine a world without guided missile-delivered mail?! On this day in 1983, three hugely successful movies - Trading Places, Ghostbusters and Gremlins - open on the same day. Nowadays, shrivel-dicked Hollywood executives are reluctant to release a film in the same month as an expected blockbuster. June 9 On this day in 1980, legendary comedian Richard Pryor accidentally sets himself on fire while freebasing cocaine. He is badly burned over 80% of his body. Ironically, during his months-long hospital stay, Pryor adds a variety of pain-killers and powerful laxatives to the already lengthy list of substances to which he is addicted. On this day in 1979, Willie Horton is honored at Seattle's Kingdome. Not that Willie Horton. The other Willie Horton. That's it. Nothing else happened on this day. Ever.

THEY SAID IT! "If there's anything worse than an attorney general with an apocalyptic messiah complex, it's an attorney general with an apocalyptic messiah complex at a time when infidels have declared a holy war on America. And if there's anything worse than THAT... it would have to be an attorney general who writes inspiratational songs and forces his staff to sing them daily, an attorney general whose father anointed him in a messianic ritual when he took office, an attorney general who drafted the biggest rollback of individual rights in American history and is already planning a sequel." - Excerpted from yet another excellent Administration Profile by our good friends at rotten.com, this time focussing on John Ashcroft, the bible-thumping holy-rolling psychopath who poses a far greater threat to your rights and freedoms than Osama Bin Laden and Saddam Hussein could ever dream of. *** *** *** "J'ai si peu vécu que j'ai tendance à m'imaginer que je ne vais pas mourir; il paraît invraisemblable qu'une vie humaine se réduise à si peu de chose; on s'imagine malgré soi que quelque chose va, tôt ou tard, advenir. Profonde erreur. Une vie peut fort bien être à la fois vide et brève." - This is a short passage from a book yer old pal Jerky's currently reading, controversial Muslim-hating French author Michel Houellebecq's Extension du domaine de la Lutte, which is about the misery of postmodern life, basically. The above passage translates roughly as "I've had so few memorable experiences that I have begun to think of myself as immortal. It seems inconceivable that a human life could boil down to such a paltry sum; and so, despite myself, I imagine that, sooner or later, something has to happen. Big mistake. A life can very easily turn out to be both empty and short." Cheery!

JOKES! Today's first joke was sent in by our old pal Henry Bent... Ratio of an igloo's circumference to its diameter = Eskimo Pi 2000 pounds of Chinese soup = Won ton 1 millionth of a mouthwash = 1 microscope Time it takes to sail 220 yards at 1 nautical mile per hour = Knot-furlong 16.5 feet in the Twilight Zone = 1 Rod Sterling Half of a large intestine = 1 semicolon 1000 aches = 1 megahurtz Basic unit of laryngitis = 1 hoarsepower 2000 mockingbirds = two kilomockingbirds 10 cards = 1 decacards 1 kilogram of falling figs = 1 Fig Newton 1000 grams of wet socks = 1 literhosen 1 millionth of a fish = 1 microfiche 1 trillion pins = 1 terrapin 10 rations = 1 decoration 8 nickels = 2 paradigms *** *** *** Thanks to our old pal Andres R. for sending in today's second joke. Gomer and Cletus are sitting in a ditch in the hot afternoon. Gomer holds something up in his hands and asks: "Hey Cletus! What do you think this is - shit or clay?" Cletus takes it, puts it in his mouth, chews on it for a while before answering: "That there is shit, Gomer!" "I figured it had to be," Gomer replies. "How in the world could clay have gotten into my underpants?!" WORST JOKE OF THE DAY Bitsy sent in today's worst joke, which is actually kind of funny. A Quebecer, staying in a hotel in Edmonton phoned room service for some pepper. "Black pepper, or white pepper?" asked the concierge. "Toilette pepper!" yelled the Quebecer.

ASK JERKY! Relationship troubles? Philosophical quandaries? Nagging doubts about your spouse? Jerky knows the answer! Send your letter to the feedback address at the bottom of the page: Dear Jerky, I just downloaded the new Metallica "St Anger", but I had to sort away many bogus files in order to compile the 11 songs... Why do people post fake Metallica files? Signed: Gene Dude, people don't post fake Metallica files -- Metallica posts fake Metallica files! And the reason they do it is because they're laboring under the mistaken impression that there are people out there who will use the Internet to download and listen to their music without paying for it. Man, are they ever paranoid! *** **** *** Jerky; I don't think the American people are blaming the right guy for this "war on terrorism." My personal belief is that Bush is doing a fine job as Tony Blair's puppet. Since the revolution this country has bailed out the Brits the French and any other country that can't take care of their own shit. Now that we are at our most vulnerable (a president who can't decide for himself and a perinoid society) the Brits are taking advantage. We are no longer our own nation, but mearely another British territory once again. We need another revolution. I say oust "President" Blair and tell George to make up his own mind. We may end up with some semblance of dignity in the end. I don't want to watch my country given away to a country our fore-fathers died to free us from, by a puppet. Signed: Mike from IL Dear Mike; Dignity? Dubya? "Perinoid"?! *** **** *** Hey Jerky; I live in Ireland and am a long time reader, I hope you can explain something to me. Whats the deal with Americans and THE FLAG? What I mean is Americans seem to lose all reason when presented with the American flag. It seems anyone can just wrap themselves in it and instant uberpatriot. I understand patriotism, as my own grandparents were directly involved in Ireland's fight for independance last century, but if an Irish politician tried the kind of crap American ones do, he/she would be dismissed as a conman/woman. Is it genetic or something programmed in the kids in the schools? like in the old Soviet Union? I hope you can help as this is something that puzzles most Europeans. Yours Sincerely; Barry Dear Barry; Watch a few nights of American professional wrestling. Then watch a few days of CNN and FOXNews. Then compare and contrast them. Thus your dark and terrible journey of understanding will have begun.

READER'S SOAPBOX! Got a gripe? Pet peeve? Have your say in the Daily Dirt! Columns can pretty much be about anything, as long they meet the following criteria: 1) don't write shit that'll get us in trouble. 2) Keep it interesting. 3) Keep it short. 4) We don't edit your mistakes. Oh yeah! feel free to send a picture of yourself if you want. TOPIC: WAKE UP AMERICA! Care of: JS Curtis esq. Jerky and friends; It has been known for some time that Iraq has had an illegal pipeline into Syria. Some of you already know where I am going with this. [Not me! - Jerky] The US and the world community did nothing to curb the illegal sale of Iraqi oil, because this extra output benifited their economies. The CIA/NSA had to have seen the construction of this pipeline from space, unlike the WMD, it was not buried. [I'm sorry, but even Dubya himself has given up on believing there were any serious stockpiles of WMD in Iraq. It was a phony pretext for an illegal war that only looks worse and worse the farther away we get from the bloody, brutal fact of it. - Jerky] My theory is that Sadam rode out of Iraq into Syria in the pipeline. Like in the James Bond movie "Tommorrow Never Dies" the one with Christmas Jones. I am sure Sadam has seen this movie and concocted his escape plan from it. [Actually, the way you describe it reminds me more of the scene in Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory where Augustus Glute is sucked up into a plexiglass tube after jumping into a pool of chocolate. - Jerky] I do not believe that Sadam will be captured anytime soon. Look how long it took to catch Erick Rudolph (8 years). And he was in North Carolina the whole time. [Yeah, but I don't know if Saddam is going to be satisfied by the kind of grub you can find by dumpster-diving in Tikkrit. - Jerky] About 90% of what we are told is the truth are lies, the United States is not under the control of ordinary people anymore. I believe that the current administration is part of the apparatus that killed Kennedy. And that George Bush Senior was one of the shooters on that fateful day in Dallas (but this is a whole other theory). [My own beliefs in this regard, while hardly identical, are not that dissimilar to yours. - Jerky] Wake up America! If we were more involved in what directly affects us as a nation, through voting and community service we can all make our country a better place live and work. A little bit of effort on a small scale can add up to great things. Thank you, JS Curtis esq. Please send all replies to Jazzzbo@yahoo.com

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